Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business