Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

So true for me

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

in 3 months

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

I didn’t realize that was an option

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me