Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

*first day of umpire school*

Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?

Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*