Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what