My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
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Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be
*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return