Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha



Kid: not falling for that again

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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.


My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars


Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?


The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.



Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…


Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They’re still gone and that was weird advice.


Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*