Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.