@BunAndLeggings

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

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@Lhlodder

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

@RowdyBerger

My mom thought my laptop on the floor was a scale. My mom weighs 800 dollars

@1Bad_Scientist

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

@_little_old_me

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

@TheBoydP

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

@shkeeber

Dating must’ve been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.

@ibid78

LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend

@SeanBlazed

Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They’re still gone and that was weird advice.

@BCMontgo

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*