Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.