Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
The news in a nutshell.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor