Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
You Might Also Like
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ