Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!