ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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Just why bro?!
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
My boss called in sick of me
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
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Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
you’re damn right i have
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC