ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.