ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.