me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics