This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?
uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes
me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately
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Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.
When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.
[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.