[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?
uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes
me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately
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[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?
Husband: One British girl.
*wife returns from London*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months.🙂
THIS GIRL IS WEARING PINK CAMOUFLAGE WHERE ARE THERE PINK FORESTS
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.