@MNateShyamalan

me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?

uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes

me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately

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@Peauxtassium

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

@Parentpains

My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.

@robsan40

When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.

@bathflyer

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

@That_Damn_Duck

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

@didifalldown

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.