me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing