Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Beards are a privilege, not a right

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it