Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.

Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.

Me: I’d like my money back.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.