ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.