ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
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people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.