ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
You Might Also Like
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Never be a pizza!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.