Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.