Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.