Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
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I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.