Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

#oldknees

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

me to God

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.