Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
You Might Also Like
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
it takes so much energy
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.