Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
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Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?