Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
“Huge”.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Lmao
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”