Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.