ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom