Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!