ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
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Carpe DM
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.