Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

dating is so overrated. let’s just get married

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

They got a point!

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

🚲+physics = winner

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”