Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*