Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
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2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars