Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
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Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
OH. COME. ON.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
waiting for halloween be like:
My work here is don’t.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.