ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
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I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.