ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
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Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I need to get some bricks…
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Mountain Goat : )
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Voodoo map
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Welcome
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.