Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?