Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

Awwwww shit.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.