Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.