Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Magician: Pick a card, any car…

Me: Charizard

Magician: no, like a normal card

Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.