ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
You Might Also Like
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.