Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

They must have gotten it to go.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.