*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Reminder:
BETRAYAL
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”