*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism