Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom