Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
