Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
Shoo shoo! 😂
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.