Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
