Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Sex so good you see dead people.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.