Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Check out the legs on this baby

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.