Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*jingles half the way*
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.