Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
cat vs inanimate object
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.