Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
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Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
When I face a minor setback
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
This might be the funniest tweet ever
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”