Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
You Might Also Like
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
How do dragons blow out candles?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.