Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
shazam but for random noises outside
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god