Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.