Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !