Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Practicing safe sax