Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.

Me [aghast]: My child?

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.