Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
D: Science project on chickens.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun
How’s your summer going?
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Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.
Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.
[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Nice plot you got there, it’d be a shame if it were to…thicken
“What’s your band name?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”