Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.