Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?