Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Worst bar ever.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
it is time once again
