Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.