Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

How software testing works

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño