@heyitsJudeD

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

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@SoVeryBritish

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@robfee

Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
“Yeah!”
Axl: Nice lawns!
“Huh?”
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”
Axl: JUST WRITE IT

@TheCatWhisprer

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

@pplwtching

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

@carlyken

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?