Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

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“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you


My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.



Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like?
Izzy: Pretty girls?
Axl: Nice lawns!
Axl: Green grass!
“Grass is alw-”


High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.


If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.


[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders


If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?