Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
watergate? u mean a dam??
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
me before I type out affect or effect
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.