me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
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Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
is it earth
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
wtf is an acronym
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
True
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.