Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I’ll go first…

Bad Boys. 😏

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Bed should get ready for ME

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.