Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”![]()
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.