Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.