Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

My new favorite headline

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.