Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

fair

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again