ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?