Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Just so funny

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice