ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
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Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
That was easy.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious