Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
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The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Windows
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
