Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

I’ll be mad as hell!

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear